The Caribbean Introvert

You’re too quiet

You have to go out more

We have to break you out

You don’t ever talk

Why are you so shy?

Words that echo in spirals through my mind. Bouncing around, smashing whatever it comes into contact with, cracking my psyche into bits as I question myself. Is something wrong with me? Are they right?

Outside the darkness of my mind is light reflecting off shiny costumes, colours dancing through the air, serenaded by Soca music. The tempo, the rhythm, the liveliness of it all. I can get into this too. Become one with Carnival souls. Fete and lime, all covered in colours and powder and heated blood pumping through my veins. I can do this especially with the people by my side that love me through my quiet periods. These same people I can whisk away to Maracas Bay, tan all day, leave our footprints in the golden sand. Dunk our heads in crystal waters and battle the waves. These people I’d spend the days with. Carnival or beach limes. Battered but happy and ready to fill our bellies with bake and shark. These people would let me be. Let me rest my head against the car door as I soothe my mind, listening to the background music of their warm chatter. Because they know I needed to recharge. They would never ask me to change. I’m not too quiet or too shy. I don’t have to be ‘broken out’ or go out more. With my people, I can just be me. I’m an introvert. It doesn’t make me shy or antisocial. It doesn’t mean I have stage fright or problems talking to people. It just means I socialize differently.

Thinking of ‘study sessions’ with my best friend. The way we would yap, you’d never tell we’re both introverts. Laptops opened, coffee getting colder, patrons swapped out over the hours. But the hours would pass and we’d be engaged in mostly hushed conversations and laughter. Both introverts. Both just free to be ourselves. (Love you Chels). And by the end, we’d leave and I’ll go home, refreshed and happy. Content and ready to recharge with tv, cats and cuddles with my husband. And I’d be reset, ready to face the world.

For survival, we all must endure necessary socialization. School, work, casual interactions with strangers at the grocery etc.  It makes us introverts so much more selective about what we do with our free time and who we share it with. Most of us can’t party every weekend. Because our social battery runs low. It looks like running on steam. My brain stops working and I can’t even form coherent sentences sometimes.

In the high school classroom I was the ‘quiet’, ‘nerdy’ girl. All true but let’s not forget that these things were said with some sort of negativity. It meant that I was odd. And I wasn’t the only one. And us ‘quiet’ people got left behind sometimes. I wasn’t bubbly and friendly. I was quiet, nerdy, shy and awkward. I thought that to ‘fix’ this I needed to be more outgoing, friendly, extroverted. Funny thing is that I did all of this and more. I took public speaking and got over my social anxiety. I engaged more with friends, I became Me. And I could be fun and the most talkative person around. Just ask my husband. But there are things about me that remained the same. And I finally realized that nothing was wrong with me because I was quiet. Or that I spent time by myself. Or that I needed to recharge. I am an introvert. All that means is that we like our solitude, we need to recharge after socializing and we will only show our truest selves to the people we feel most comfortable with.

I’m Caribbean. I’m introverted. I’m Ashiana.